Second Thoughts, Anyone?

Ok, I'll admit it. I've had second thoughts. Kind of like I might have after burning the only bridge that could get me home. Why? Well, I was in pain, first and foremost. Even when I wasn't in pain, I was uncomfortable. And after I got home, it felt like I was spending my entire day taking pieces of pills every 10-15 minutes, except for the 30 minutes before and after my meals. And the meals - well, they weren't exactly inspiring.

I started seeing a therapist about a month ago, ultimately to help me get through my food issues, but immediately to help me get through the fear. She's a Christian and we talked about how I have no doubt that this whole thing is a part of God's plan for me and how the fears are the devil's way of undermining my following thru. She recommended Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind and I got it and have been slowing reading it.

Since the surgery, whether due to the pain or the pain meds, my eyes have been having problems focusing, making reading difficult. So the magazines and Kindle that I took to the hospital with me remained in the suitcase. But since I've been home, and since it was painful to sit down and to get up, once I was on the potty, I stayed there for a while. The cats would come in and entertain me and after a day or two, I put my Battlefield of the Mind book in there, too.

One morning after we'd got home, I had woken (??) up in pain, and was sitting there waiting for the pain meds to kick in, and I just broke down crying because I knew this was the biggest mistake of my life and I knew that it couldn't be undone. I picked up the book and read the next page or so, and then prayed. I know, here I am on the toilet praying, but it wasn't too long before I felt tremendously better.

So here we are now, tomorrow I am two weeks post-op. And despite a horrible night (couldn't get to sleep, and what little sleep I got was very fitful - I'm weaning myself off of the pain meds and the Tylenol wasn't kicking it), I'm feeling very positive. I can't sleep on my tummy yet, which helps make the nights difficult. I have no appetite - in fact, I forgot lunch yesterday. I have yet to have a day where I get all of my protein in or drink all of my liquids.

Mom made a very perspicacious observation early on, though. She pointed out that we are intelligent beans and if we're having problems getting all of the pills/protein/liquid/calcium/vitamins, etc stuff under control, how on God's green earth do the morons do it??

As to the food, mom has been outdoing herself. When we first got home, we had enough to worry about that yes, we went with baby food. And other than the fact that the meat ALL needed salt, it was fine. Since then, mom has made (and yes, pureed) pot roast, mashed potatoes, carrots, pork chops! It has all been divine! One of my hardest parts of the meals, though, is dragging out the 2 ounces for 30 minutes! That's just crazy... even with the baby spoons. For one thing, I have to fend off Cleo for 25 of those minutes.

So yes, there have been second thoughts, but they are quickly squelched. As I'm sitting here, I know I've lost weight... frankly, my butt is feeling particularly boney of late. Today we are going to drop by my doctor's office and weigh on their scales so hopefully, we'll have good news.