Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!!

I have recently noticed an increase in the volume of spam I receive since I got my iPhone.  Or it may be that since I check my email on the iphone, I don't check it often online, so when I do check it, the amount of spam has grown exponentially.


Either way, due to the volume, I have been able to notice a growing trend in the spam email I receive.


First, Orchard Bank really wants to give me a credit card.  Probably because they know about the great deals I'm being offered for either a) breast implants, or b) the secret to a larger penis.  Once I "improve" myself with one or both of those options, my social life will boom.  In fact, it's already started.. both eHarmony and Singlesnet are vying for my attention.  According to Singlesnet, there are already people lined up to meet me.  They may only want me for my money, though… and by money, I mean the $1,000 gift cards to Wal-Mart that I keep winning.  I mean… I won three yesterday alone!  Now, if I don't want to risk being taken by a gold-digger, I can hook up with some old classmates instead.  Per, more than a few of my former classmates are very eager to get reacquainted with me.  I suppose I could invite them over for dinner.  I have several coupons for free LARGE pizzas.  Meanwhile, if the Wal-Mart gift card gravy train runs dry, there are Internet Jobs out there paying $600 a day!!!  Once I get one of those jobs, I'll have a use for that FREE DELL LAPTOP or the FREE IPAD that I got for giving my opinion about whether I prefer COKE OR PEPSI!!  Well, reading all of this UPPERCASE !!!-filled emails is giving me a headache, so I probably ought to head up to Canada for CHEEP DRUGS!! and maybe take a nap.

Monday, February 21, 2011

The Scarlet Letter - TP

Exciting times continue to happen at the firm.  You will recall that not only did we have a mad woman roaming around using the ladies room but NOT replacing empty TP rolls, but we had also had our very existence threatened by the purchasing of wood chip grade TP to begin with.  Our buns wept tears of angst.


So the weekend that I was up in Indy for my doctor's appointment (more on that in another blog), I'm roaming around JoAnn's Superstore with my niece Natalie because she's going to sew me a stuffed Simon's Cat, but needed the appropriate accoutrement when I get a text from Shawn at the office advising that I'm missing all the excitement because we ran out of TP and John (the maintenance guy) went and bought CHARMIN!!  I texted her back and asked her to save me a couple of sheets!  It was very exciting times.


So last week, upon my return, I discovered that there was still Charmin in the stalls.  It was a very cushy week.  In fact, after learning that the wood chips had been restocked, I suggested that someone sneak into the men's room and switch out any remaining Charmin for wood chips, so that we, the ladies with the delicate tooshies, might hoard the remainder.  I don't know if anyone took my suggestion, but I do know that mid-week the supply of Charmin in the ladies room tripled!


By Friday of last week, things had gotten to critical mass.  Shawn posted instruction sheets (see the picture) on how to change the roll in each stall.  I think she really thought that would solve the problem.  However, later in the afternoon, I was in my favorite stall, and someone entered the other stall.  I looked at the person's shoes, in case it was someone I wanted to chat with.  I did not recognize the shoes, so I remained quiet.  Now, this was after 4:30 on a Friday, and I was hoping to nap my way through to 5:00 pm, but I think everyone was on the same schedule as I was, because all of a sudden we have Grand Central Station in there.  Shoes leaves before I see who she was and someone else goes into that stall.  I exit and take my time washing my hands because, again, I don't want to go back to work.


As I'm standing there looking at the picture in the bathroom, contemplating a career as an artist, Shawn exits the "other" stall with an empty roll of TP in her hands and a look of such forlorn sadness on her face that I truly felt sorry for her.  She says that she honestly thought the drawing she hung in the stalls would solve the problem.  I told her I was sorry.  She said she just wanted to know WHO it was.. then the light bulb goes on in Rose's head and I said, "I know who it was! … or, at least I know what shoes she is wearing!" 


So the game was afoot!  Literally, since there were shoes involved.  I started roaming around the 2nd floor, figuring it was safe to assume that since it was the 2nd floor ladies room, that the culprit was a 2nd floorer.  I looked and was able to eliminate everyone on the 2nd floor, including the female attorneys, and they all wanted to know why I was checking out their footwear.  Since I'd proven their innocence, I was able explain.  Then, I headed upstairs to the 3rd floor.  As I passed the reception desk, Toone caught me and, after checking out her shoes, I stood there chatting when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the SHOES!!  Now, as this blog is read by people all over the world… or at least the continent (hi, Heather!),… and none of you know this person anyway, the name will be changed to protect the lazy.... She will forever be known in this blog as "Shoes."  (Not to be confused with "Stripper Shoes", but that's another story.)


Anyway, it was all I could do NOT to skip down the main stairway to Shawn's office to tell her the results of my investigation.  On my way back to my desk, everyone asked if my investigation was successful, and I HAD to share with them.  It has been suggested that we might want to sew up a scarlet TP a la Hester Prynne and leave it on Shoes's desk.  I'm thinking that in addition to being lazy, Shoes is also not well-endowed in the mental arena, so it would go right over her head.  Much like at the last support staff meeting when Shawna brought up the topic for the 2nd time, Shoes was sitting right beside me and Shawna's angst went right over her head that time too. 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Super Bowl Sunday

Ok, we started the afternoon out by having lunch at Olive Garden with Alma Shufflebarger - a distant relative of Dad's. It was very enjoyable and before we knew it, we'd been there two and half hours! I wasn't sure going into the lunch because 1) I had a headache that had not even been dented by the two Exedrin I took before church (although I was able to stay awake for the sermon, which was not a blessing considering the aforementioned headache... I think a nap might have helped); B) I didn't even know this woman (but my meds have made it a lot easier to talk to strangers, so that wasn't a major concern); and lastly, because going to Olive Garden makes the odds of having nachos and other occasion-related munchies minimal.

Mom and I got home about 3pm. In time to spend a lovely winter afternoon snuggled up on the couch with my boy, reading the Sunday ads and doing the crossword puzzle, and watching the end of the Terminator. Terminator 2 came on about 4:30. I mention this only because shortly after 5, I left the living room to go to my room to watch the game and I assumed Mom would change the channel, but as of an hour later when I went in to heat up the leftover breadsticks, she was still watching it.

I am SO not a sports person. But believe it or not, I do enjoy watching the Super Bowl. In college (1988, I think), I even hosted a Super Bowl party in my dorm room. I believe the Redskins were playing someone.

I've even actually attended several football games in my life. First, in the 8th (?) grade, the band teacher forced us to attend a football game and play for the first half. I recall nothing of that game. Then in college, while at DePauw, there was nothing much to do in Greencastle on a Saturday afternoon, so my friends and I went to the games. After having the rules explained to me, I enjoyed them.

So that is it, really, post-DePauw, I've hidden my enjoyment of football and limited that to the annual watching of the Super Bowl. There's much I don't understand and frankly, just don't care about, such as which teams are playing, but I do enjoy a good game.

Of course, part of my enjoyment is the commercials. I like to have seen the commercials so I know what they're talking about tomorrow on the radio and internet.

So far my favorite commercial is the Doritos commercial with the guy apartment sitting for his friend and he lets the fish and the plant die, but brings them back to life with Doritos, then brings grandpa back to life by (I suppose) adding Doritos to his ashes! Very cute.

Either someone just used the litter box or... actually I think it was our little natural gas producer, Cleo. She just wandered in, let fly with a noxious effluvium, and then wandered out. Humpf. We don't call her Cleo Putin for nothing.

Another adorable one is for some Volkswagon car with the kid dressed up like Darth Vader, trying to use his "powers" to do a variety of things around the house.. not sure what he was trying to get the dog to do... and then the father using his keyless starter to remotely start the car and make the kid think he'd succeeded. I saw that one yesterday on the Saturday Morning show, but it was just as cute this time.

Is there another Transformers moving coming out this summer? What up with the Transformer on the screen everytime we come back from commercial?

Does anyone know if Keebler still makes those round cookies with the fudge stripes on them? I wonder if I could convince Mom to go make a cookie run...

Half time - what are the odds that Gerard Butler'll be on there and he'll have a wardrobe malfunction?

So obviously my Words With Friends playmates are not watching the game. :) What the heck is 'foveate'??

Ok, not impressed so far by the half time show... and I even like the Black-Eyed Peas. Bring back Joe and Troy. Ooh, Usher... :) Yikes, Fergie, you're flat, babes.

Ok, get the game back on so I can get up and er.. use the litter box.


Ok, I have no idea what I just ate. It was in the cat candy jar... thought it was a Reese's peanut butter cup... it wasn't.

Ozzy and Bieber ... "what's a 'bieber'?" too funny!

Ok, in the first commercial we had with Eminem in it, he said that he doesn't do commercials.. Now we just saw his SECOND commercial of the evening. The world is going higgledy-piggledy!

I'm getting bored with this game and this blog. I just want Glee to come on. Me and my phone, and the boy, are going to crawl in bed and play mahjong until the game is over. Thanks for spending this Super Bowl Sunday with me.