Sickness bites

It's Saturday morning. It's a relatively beautiful day in Evansville. The sun is out, and at the moment, it's 49 degrees out. Since we've had some rough ice storms over the past couple of weeks, I'll take sunny and 49 anyday! I'm currently working at my apartment, trying to rustle the herd of dustbunnies out the door, do laundry, and other general cleaning. Buy my mind is elsewhere, as it has been for most of the latter part of the week.

My best friend, Jennifer has had some bad news. Her mother has been sick for the past .. oh.. since August, with growths in her brain. They've run tests and done biopsies and no one's really been able to figure out what it was. But in the past couple of weeks, they've been down to Vanderbilt in Nashville, and had a slew of tests, including another biopsy. This past week, they went back to Nashville for test results and to find out what the doctors plan to do about it. Turns out that she has a gliobastoma and it is stage 4. They are getting her set up to begin both chemo and radiation for the next six weeks. Understandably, Jennifer is a basket case. And for a while there, so was I.

I'm not trying to be selfish and make this about me, because I know it isn't. But it hits severely close to home. My greatest fear in life isn't my own death, but having to go thru the death of either or (God forbid) both of my parents. So while I'm doing my best to be there and be supportive of Jen, I'm scared to death for myself. Jennifer is my sisters' age and her parents are the same age as my parents or maybe even a little younger. My dad isn't in good health with a heart condition and diabetes. And while mom is relatively healthy, you never know. It's mostly my fear of being alone. That and while I called Jennifer my best friend, my truly best friend is my mother. There is very little that happens in my life that I don't immediately think… oh, I've got to tell mom! Ok, I'm almost 40 years old and I'm afraid of becoming an orphan. And ok, I have two sisters, who I love and who love me. But it's not the same. They have husbands and children and lives of their own. When you say the word "family" to them, they think of that family first. When you say "family" to me, it's my parents and (rather pathetically,) my cats. I know I'm always welcome to join my sisters up in Indy, but still, it just isn't the same.

Fortunately, I'm on my precious pink pills and am able to keep relatively sane in my little stew of anxiety. It's only when things are really hit home to me that it percolates up. So here I am, trying to do my best for Jennifer, knowing that she needs me, and trying to get control of myself. I thought that maybe writing down my feelings would help, and I suppose it has.

I know that God is in control and that He has a plan. I can't imagine what good can come out of this situation, for Jennifer and the rest of her family, but maybe I'm not supposed to know. I'm supposed to just trust Him. And I suppose that that's what I need to try to pass on to Jennifer.
Meanwhile, please pray for them. Thanks.